Focus on the Family correspondence

Below this paragraph is the response I received from Focus on the Family after contacting them about a program, "How to Fight Fair," on their radio show with therapists Les and Leslie Parrot.

In reference to their comment from the email below, "You are correct in pointing out that our guests referred to the renowned research of Dr. John Gottman in connection with his study of conflict in marriage," the reality is that Les and Leslie Parrot did not just refer to the Gottman research.  It is more significant than that.  The two therapists are licensed by the Gottman Institute in their methodology, and the entire radio program which they presented on Focus on the Family was based on the relationship workshop that is presented to couples (both mixed gender and same gender at the same time).  Although at the time I contacted them, I was familiar with the work of the Gottman Institute, I had never read their books or attended one of their workshops.  Since that time, I have read Ten Lessons to Transform your Marriage. Additionally, on October 28 and 29, 2006, Roby, my spouse, and I attended a two day workshop. Although we offer workshops, we know that it is important to attend workshops and participants, and give full attnetion to our own personal relationship. There were several hundred people in attendance, and we were one of about 4 lesbian couples also in attendance. (There may have been others, but that is our best estimate).  Dr. John and Julie Gottman repeatedly used inclusive language, including and drawing attention to their research regarding same gender couples.  In fact, when I met Julie, she stated that she would love to share her research on lesbian parents.  During one of the breaks, following are the overall results of her dissertation which she described to us.  There were three groups:  1) Lesbians with children  2) Women who had divorced and remarried with children, and 3) Divorced single mothers with children.  She compared the children along a scale of 18 characteristics.  There was no statistical difference in 16 of these characteristics between these groups.  In two categories, however, though the research did not consistute a statistically valid difference, the children of lesbians did score higher.  The two categories were in the social arena: 1) They had a better sense of themselves in the world  2) They had higher self esteem.

From: FOF Email Response [mailto:Emlresp@fotf.org]
Sent: Tuesday, June 20, 2006 2:14 PM
To: dottiberry@earthlink.net
Subject: Response to Your Contact

Thank you for writing to Focus on the Family.  It is a privilege to respond on behalf of our staff.

 

We appreciate your willingness to contact us following our April 17 broadcast with Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, “How to Fight Fair.”  You are correct in pointing out that our guests referred to the renowned research of Dr. John Gottman in connection with his study of conflict in marriage.  However, that is not to say that we endorse the work of The Gottman Institute as a whole.  The comments stemmed from the personal investigation of our guests and were not meant to be construed as blanket approval on the part of Focus on the Family for the entirety of Dr. Gottman’s work. 

 

With reference to our Love Won Out conferences, it is important to understand that we have not set out to refute Dr. Gottman’s findings in order to deny the fact that some same-sex couples encounter satisfying relationships.  In our view, the fact that men and women can experience some contentment or happiness apart from God’s design and ultimate plan for humanity does not negate the standard He has set forth.  In other words, what “is” does not necessarily mean what “ought to be.”  As such, we have sought to offer hope through the testimonies of those who have “been there” so that we might demonstrate the possibility of change for individuals who desire to align themselves with biblical truth by seeking a way out of homosexuality. 

 

Again, thanks for writing and allowing us an opportunity to address your questions.  We trust this reply has been helpful.  God bless!

 

Elizabeth Bourquin
Focus on the Family

From: Dotti Berry [mailto:dottiberry@earthlink.net]
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 11:37 AM
To: 'FOF Email Response'
Subject: RE: Response to Your Contact

Hi Elizabeth,
 
Thank you for writing back. Your comments were refreshing.   I wanted to get a better sense of where you all were coming from.  I will be in Colorado Springs during July, and plan to come by Focus on the Family Headquarters.  Would it be possible to meet?  I anticipate the date being July 24.
 
Again, I appreciate your taking the time to offer your feedback.  Also, I met Melissa Fryear at the conference in Seattle.  Would it be possible to get her email so I could contact her?
 
Blessings, Dotti Berry 
 
See the response email below.  It took almost a month to receive another response from them, and I received it only after contacting them again.

 

From: FOF Email Response [mailto:Emlresp@fotf.org]
Sent: Wednesday, July 19, 2006 8:45 AM
To: dottiberry@earthlink.net
Subject: Response to Your Contact

Dear Ms. Berry:

 

Thank you for writing to Elizabeth Bourquin.  Since it would be difficult for her to respond personally, please allow me the privilege of replying on Ms. Bourquin’s behalf.

 

We appreciate your desire to meet with Ms. Bourquin during your visit to Colorado Springs; however, I’m afraid we must disappoint you.  Due to her travel schedule, as well as several ongoing projects that are demanding her attention, she will not be available.  Furthermore, with regard to your request for Melissa Fryrear’s e-mail address, it is ministry policy not to disclose the personal contact information of our employees.  As I’m sure you can imagine, we receive thousands of contacts each day from families of all walks of life, and given our deep desire to come alongside them with any help we can offer, we are already stretching our limited staff capacity.  We are sorry, but we simply do not have the ability to carve out additional time for continuing dialogue.  As an alternative, we suggest visiting our Web site at http://www.family.org/cforum/fosi/homosexuality/ for greater insight into our perspective on homosexuality.

 

Again, thanks for taking a moment to get in touch.  We trust you understand our limitations.  Grace and peace to you!

 

Anika Byron
Focus on the Family

Although we were unable to meet personally with Elizabeth Bourquin, or with Melissa Fryrear (and I personally observed her giving out her email at the Love Won Out Conference in Seattle), we did go inside and meet and talk with people who work at Focus on the Family, to "put a face" to who we are as a committed, married couple.

 

You can click here for our open letter to Dr. James Dobson and Focus on the Family.

 

You can click here for the synopsis of us going inside and visiting Focus on the Family in May, 2005.

You can click here for the synopsis of our attending the Love Won Out Conference in June, 2005, in Seattle.  Our intention was to go inside and be a loving presence, sharing our stories of love and commitment as a couple.

We will soon have our synopsis of going inside Focus on the Family during July, 2006.