Katrina N. Presko

Although one can never really get onto paper what life is like to live as a gay Christian. Here goes…

 

          My story goes back to my birth. Scripture tells us that God knows us while we are in the womb that we are created and made for a reason.  I know from my own experience that is true more than ever. My biological mother got pregnant with me at 16 years old. Her family forced her to give me up for adoption. My parents were unable to have children, and adopted a son.  John and Nancy Presko then adopted me at just 3 days old. I grew up in a very loving Christian home. My parents have been married for over 40 years. I had no environmental issues that harmed me. It was a typical American Christian home. I witnessed no abuse from either of my parents. I am very thankful and grateful to my parents for raising me. I know that God had his hand in my adoption and had it set up from day one. I grew up in Southland Christian Church in Lexington, Kentucky, where my Dad was a pastor under Wayne B. Smith for over seven years.

I have early childhood memories of first being attracted to women. My initial experience was being attracted to a girl at the age of eight. As I grew older, I fought being gay to please, and to try and change myself. I eventually married a man in order to deny myself and please my family. My family is very anti-gay, and I knew that if they found out I was gay, I would not be accepted. In 1998, depressed and convinced there was no life for me, I felt condemned inside and felt God could never accept me as a gay woman. As I was sitting in my bedroom, all alone, I held a bottle of pills in my hand seconds away from committing suicide. The phone rang and it was my best friend. I am convinced God sent her to call me to spare my life. I then left Omaha, NE and came back home to Lexington, KY. I continued to struggle with my battle of acceptance, trying everything I could to change the fact that I was gay. I stayed involved at Northeast Christian Church (sister church from Southland Christian Church) and went to the pastor several times for help. As soon as the church found out I was gay, I was treated like a criminal. I was repeatedly asked not to discuss this with anyone else in the church. The pastor, not wanting to deal with me being gay, referred me to Crossover Ministries, repeatedly telling me that I was going to go to hell if I didn’t change my ways. I called up Melissa Fryrear at Crossover Ministries, and went to their Thursday night support group. During my time at Crossover, I was told that I could not speak to anyone outside of the group other than during Thursday night support group. I was told the more I sought after God, the freer I would become.

 

I read several books on how I could change being gay. I was told that if I would just give my all to God, He would change me. During this time, I was not even allowed to speak to fellow members. I was more depressed than any other time in my life. I kept crying out to God and asking, “Why”? Why would a loving God create me this way, only to tell me I had to go through this hell to change? I sat in conferences such as “Love One Out,” listening to this regime teach others how they can ban GLBT from the school systems; listening how a certain statistic proves that we are gay because we were physically, mentally, or sexually abused; listening to that I am a lesbian because of issues with my Father. My father was present my entire childhood, and our relationship is wonderful. Focus on the Family taught  others that we have to stand up and fight “them” (GLBT).

 

 I began to ask myself…If this is about “Love winning out,” Where is the love? Ever since I started asking for help, I have not found love.  I have only found discrimination, rejection, loneliness, hurt, oppression, and frustration.

 

If there were a way that a person could just “change” and be straight I would be that person today. I studied every angle possible. The more I studied scripture the more apparent it became to me that I was doing what God wanted me to do. It became clear that the interpretation of the text was being used in a manipulating way. I spent 3 years of my life trying to be straight to be accepted and to feel “normal”. But I was not being who God created me to be. If it were not what God wanted, I would have not wrestled that this was what God did want…a gay Christian woman. In August of 2005, I came out to the rest of my family.  The pain and rejection I felt from the rest of my family is not something I would wish for anyone. I was told I could not even be around my own family for being gay. I was asked to never discuss “homosexuality,” yet when I was around them, it was always bashed in my face. The question remains in my mind, “What are they so fearful of?” If being gay is wrong, then why are they so fearful their children may become educated and perhaps be open beyond the mentality of living inside the box. They treated me, as though I was a disease because I am gay, as if I would “poison” their children. Having said that, I will say that my Father and mother, though not accepting of me being gay, have not treated me as other members have.

Upset with my treatment, one week I sat in a meeting with several pastors discussing my role at Northeast Christian Church. I had created and headed up a ministry for our 150-piece choir, called “Hospitality Ministry”. I set up meals, visited the sick sent cards and oversaw the needs of the choir. Not once during this time that I led the ministry did I ever bring my sexuality into it. However, when the staff found out I was gay, they specifically stated, “We cannot have that type of behavior on stage”. To which I stood my ground stating that I was simply worshipping my Lord and helping lead the church in Worship. I boldly stood my ground knowing that there were other members who were gay. One is on the praise team, who, to this day, has not been asked to step down or leave. Because I boldly stood my ground and voiced my stand, I was asked to leave. I stood my ground and choose to leave this church a year later after hearing a sermon on “Why Homosexuality is a Sin” (click Sermon 10)

Growing up in this denomination, admitting that I am gay was a very hard decision for me. I had given a lot to the worship ministry and a place I thought I could call “home”. It became obvious, due to my sexuality, that I could not remain at this church. I began the search to look for a new church home. I ended up for a while just not going to church and listening to sermons on line.

Finally in December of 2005 I realized and accepted that who I am is God’s design. The following March I met my partner. The seven years of waiting and searching, I will say, have been more than worth it. We now reside in Lexington, KY and I am the happiest I have ever been. I have someone now that I believe is my true soul mate. We are Spiritually, Mentally and Physically “One”. Love has indeed “Won” us out. I continued to pray and search for a church that would accept me. A friend of mine then gave me the reference of Gay Into Straight America. Through that website, I met Dotti Berry. Since meeting, I have been given resources and references of a loving and supporting family. I look forward to the future in America as we work together to do “Whatever it Takes”.