| Mary Lou's and Bob's impact on my life...by Robynne Sapp
I met Mary Lou Wallner when she was the keynote speaker at a gay Christian conference (Evangelicals Concerned) in Denver in the Summer of 2001. I "sneaked" out of my ultra-conservative Christian world in the Summer of 2001, and spent a week in Denver, where I realized for the first time in my life that God really does love me JUST AS I AM.
Mary Lou's attitude toward homosexuality today, is that of complete acceptance, understanding and celebration. It wasn't always that way. The death of her daughter, Anna, was the "wake up call" that Mary Lou and Bob needed; however, they didn't realize they needed it at the time. Mary Lou has often mentioned to us that although she [still] severely grieves the premature and unnecessary death of her daughter, Anna, the idea that she may never have had her eyes opened up to a new understanding makes her cringe. Mary Lou would have never, in a million years, wished Anna dead. Anna's death, however, left Mary Lou and Bob with lots of questions. Their pain caused them to seek answers, and in that process, they came to realize that homosexuality is a gift to be celebrated, not a sin to be condemned or a sickenss to be healed. They have committed their lives to making sure this tragedy never plagues another family through Teach Ministries.
Mary Lou and Bob's support and love were literally instrumental in saving my life. Although there were many indications when I was young, I did not come to the full understanding and realization I was lesbian until age 18. The condemnation of homosexuality was not frequently spoken about in my Christian home or church, but I did get a very clear and very strong message that "homosexuality is a sin." Consequently, when I realized my same-gender attraction at age 18, I believed this was a secret I would have to keep forever.
In 2001, at the age of 36 ... after 18 years of hiding, lying, and living inauthentically (pretending to be heterosexual, and referring to my partner as "roommate"), I realized that I was dying from the inside out, and something needed to give. I had been trying for years to "pray away the gay"... but my connection with, attraction for, and longing to be in relationship with women only grew stronger. This troubled me greatly, because my faith in God was the cornerstone of my life, and I could not figure out how to reconcile my homosexual orientation with my spirituality and faith. I made a "contract" with myself and God at the end of 2000. I decided to give myself a period of time in which I would study everything I possibly could about being gay and Christian -- from both sides. I decided that if, at the end of this "journey," I came to the absolute understanding that the Bible does condemn homosexuality (like they've been preaching), I'm going to kill myself, because I cannot go on living as someone I am not. I was not willing to live my life without God, and I was not able to make the gay go away. The only "solution" I could come up with was the idea of making ME go away.
In my early studies of homosexuality and scripture, I discovered Evangelicals Concerned -- a gay Christian organization. I went to the EC annual conference in Denver, during the summer of 2001. Mary Lou was the keynote speaker. I remember sitting in the auditorium, and listening to her story with tears pouring down my face. I knew right then and there, that suicide would NEVER be an option for me. I hoped at the time, and I'm still hoping, that my mother will, like Mary Lou, come to a new understanding and come to the place of being able to support me and celebrate my marriage to Dotti.
When I returned home after the conference, I looked up Mary Lou's contact info and emailed her. I didn't really think I would hear back so soon, but to my delight, Mary Lou emailed right back within minutes. Her loving, encouraging and supportive words gave me hope. We corresponded via email for about a week, and then started talking by telephone. In a very short period of time, we developed a very close relationship.
Realizing that I was struggling with living authentic, and having such extreme fear of telling people the truth, Mary Lou invited me out to Chicago to spend some time in their home... in a loving, safe environment... while I learned to tell the truth about myself. In November 2001, I came out to my boss (who was very supportive) and took a 6-week leave of absence and drove to Illinois. (Mary Lou actually flew to Seattle, where I picked her up, and then the two of us drove cross-country back to Elgin, IL.) Over the next six-weeks, I spent time alone with myself, and with God, but I also spent a lot of time with Mary Lou and Bob, who gave me the freedom to share from the deepest places of my heart. They offered a safe space for me to talk about my life... my joys, my pain, my relationships, my fears. They also gave me an opportunity to meet other gay people of faith, and to experience the fullness of living authentic. Mostly though, Mary Lou and Bob loved me unconditionally, and they wrapped me up in their arms, welcomed me in their home, involved me in their lives, and they helped me to understand and believe that who I am is a gift from God.
The day after Christmas 2001, Mary Lou and I left Elgin, Illinois, for our 3-day drive back to Washington State. After a quick visit to my hometown of Bellingham, I put Mary Lou back on a plane and she flew back to Chicago.
The year 2002 started with a fresh new look... and new lease on life. But I had yet to come out to my family and friends. In the early part of 2002, I burst out of the closet and left the lie behind me. I have never looked back.
Anna's death was a tragedy. It will always be a tragedy. But because of Anna's death, Mary Lou and Bob were changed. And because Mary Lou and Bob have committed their lives to making sure this doesn't happen to other families, countless numbers of lives have surely been saved... mine included.
When I was in Elgin, Mary Lou and I drove down to Louisville, KY to visit a friend of mine. Mary Lou said, "Hey, I have a close friend, Dotti Berry, in Lexington. I'll call her and maybe she can come to Louisville for the weekend." That's when I met Dotti for the first time--December 8, 2001 in Louisville, KY. Dotti and I enjoyed each other's company that weekend, but not a single thought was given to the potential of a relationship. Three months went by, and I happened to email Dotti with a request for some of her writings. She told me, at the time, that she was dating someone in Florida. In one email, I said, "Hey, how's it going with that gal in Florida?" She emailed back, "Too much to tell you in an email... how about I call you on Sunday."
On Sunday morning, March 17, 2002 (St. Patrick's Day) the telephone rang. I picked it up and (assuming it was her) said, "Good morning, Dotti." The voice at the other end of the line said, "Roby, honey.. it's Mary Lou... How do you feel about dating older women?" I replied, "Mary Lou... where is this question coming from?" She said, "I woke up this morning, and it was as though I was being nudged by God... I just thought, you and Dotti are my closest friends, and my goodness, why didn't I think of this before??? You two would make such a beautiful couple!" Surprised, and a little confused, I said, "Mary Lou... have you talked with Dotti about this?" She said, "Yep... just got off the phone with her." (Dotti's call from Mary Lou went like this: "Dotti, honey... how do you feel about dating younger women?") (SMILE). Just for your information, there are twelve years age difference between Dotti and me.
Dotti finally called, and the first thing she said was, "OK... so let's just talk about the elephant in the living room... we both know we've spoken with Mary Lou this morning, and we both know what she said." She went on.. "I'll tell you what, Roby... if we're ever in the same city together, we'll go out on a date, how about that?" We both agreed that woud be fun, but also realized the liklihood of that happening was slim, since we lived nearly 3,000 miles from each other. Seemed pretty safe for both of us. (ha-ha)
The conversation that Sunday morning lasted two and a half hours. Before ending the call, Dotti said, "Can I call you tomorrow?" I smiled and said, "Absolutely." She called, we talked, and talked some more, everyday. Within two weeks, we both knew we would spend the rest of our lives together. Six months later, I was driving across the country again... this time it was bringing Dotti "home!" Two years later, we were married (legally) in Portland, OR. We have now been married a total of three times -- first in Oregon, Washington on March 7, 2007, then on July 31, 2004, at Semiahmoo Resort for our spiritual ceremony officiated by Rev. Dr. Bill Stayton (a Baptist minister) and Rev.Dr. Lisa Davison (Dotti's best friend from Lexington, KY and a professor of Old Testament at Lexington Theological Seminary) and then on Thanksgiving Day, 2006, in British Columbia, Canada. Needless to say, we are determined! (:
Dotti and I are very active in social justice work for full inclusion and equality for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. Our passion is working in and with the church and communities of faith. In 2005-2006 we spent traveling around America on our journey, "Gay Into Straight America." Our motto and mission was/is: "Engaging hearts & minds, creating authentic connections, and transcending differences that separate us." Our non-profit organization is Stand UP Speak OUT. The GISA journey was the first of many projects we plan to do during the rest of our lives to promote equality and justice for ALL people, including GLBT people. In September, 2008, we will embark on another journey, Talk With America.
Dotti met Mary Lou and Bob in 1999 in Lynchburg, VA when Soulforce was there meeting with Rev. Jerry Falwell -- trying to dialogue with him and help him to understand the detrimental effects of his toxic anti-gay rhetoric. Mary Lou was, at that time, still confused, and not sure she could truly embrace the notion of accepting & celebrating same-gender relationships. Mel White, who started Soulforce, and was the long-time friend and ghostwriter for Jerry Falwell said, "That's ok Mary Lou. You don't have to think any certain way to stand with us. Just come and be a bridge between us and Jerry." Dotti asked Mary Lou and Bob to have dinner with her and Peggy Campolo after hearing Mary Lou speak. Mary Lou was dumbfounded and asked, "Is that Tony Campolo's wife?" "Yes," Dotti replied. "Peggy is a wonderful ally who supports, affirms and celebrates gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people." They accepted Dotti's invitation to dinner. Over the next year, Dotti literally held their hands in loving support, as they walked down the scary and confusing, (yet empowering and liberating) road of opening one's mind to move beyond fear...to move to an expanding love, a love that is brighter than any darkness and fear.
We live in Blaine, WA with our gorgeous 6-year old Standard Poodle, Rylee Joy.
Click here to read more about OUR STORY and how we met. |
